Cats (Felis catus) are parasitic creatures that can enter a home, offer nothing, use up resources and yet still be adored by the humans who live there. The relationship between a cat and a human quickly develop from that of a house guest to the cat completely dominating and controlling every aspect of the human's life. Considered extremely intelligent and among the most deviously cunning creatures on Earth, their goal is to maintain a balance between mooching off of the stupidity of humans yet not having to put any actual effort into it. They achieve this through their absolute mastery of Zen which is the art of accomplishing things through non-action.
Verification and authentication
Verification
While most cats can be identified by their slender nimble shape, fur and general air of superiority, in reality you can tell an animal is a cat by inspecting the house it lives in. If it has a full food and water dish and earns its keep by sleeping all day by the window and demanding it be pet at the most inconvenient possible time, then the animal is a cat.
Authentication
While some cats may look like cats, they may actually just be drawings of cats, baby tigers that look like cats, stuffed cats or possibly Egyptian mummified cats. You will know a cat is an authentic cat if it is obsessively licking its groin all day long.
Supernatural powers
Zombie Nixon stated in his newspaper, with research from his scientists have found that when cats nap (usually about 24 hours) they are in the realm of the living dead and have supernatural powers. Cats have been known to attack people waking the cat up, but hey, you wouldn't want some old guy waking you up either. Some cats have been known to vomit on dogs. Hitler and his scientists (and hitler melons) have found that cats can defeat the Jews, when they are in such a state. Cats have been known to scratch Jews altering their life because the Jews are now werecats. Some times you can hear hitler yell "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" to his zombie Jews, and yes they do respond to him.
Some guy named Shroedinger attempted to demonstrate the property of a gun in a quantum physics experiment. He was attempting to prove that a cat can be both alive and dead at the same time, but the cat foiled him by bolting the moment the gun was pulled out. Then he attempted to put the cat in a steel box with radioactivity and a flask of poisonous substance to be broken by a device. However, the cat attacked him with claws and teeth, bolted and hid rather than be put in the steel box. This proves that cats are telepathic.
Purring
Cats emit a deep, vibrato sound called a 'purr'. This sound is made by many types of felines. Purring is a painfully loud noise produced by a cat as it shows pleasure, concentrates or thinks. While the sound varies in detail from cat to cat and from species to species (e.g., loudness, treble, wavelength, frequency, etc.), it can generally be described as a sort of tonal buzzing.
Many have debated over the exact essence of a "purring," but the sound can be most related to that of a computer connecting to the internet via a dial-up connection. Felines produce this enchanting noise simply by inflating and deflating a small sack located near the base of the tail; just above the USB slot. If a cat purrs for four or more hours it is highly recommended you contact a doctor. Some believe that rare frequencies of purring can cause a human's head to asplode, but the supposed infrequent occasions have been dismissed entirely by pundits. Yet to be confirmed or denied, however, is the belief that purring is in fact an audible noise pollution caused by the cat's internal areas producing radiation (known as ρ radiation) in a plot to kill their masters and take over the world. This radiation may be the cause of the phenomenon known as the lolCat effect.
Birds
Some cats purr so strongly that their entire bodies vibrate. It's known that cats chase birds, but very few people know that cats purr this loud only after they've swallowed an entire hummingbird. The continuous audible "purring" noise heard is the avian desperately trying to escape. A guttural ripping sound can be heard indicating both the hummingbird's successful escape along with the cat's extra life repairing the damage. After this behaviour cats don't run out of lives, because once the penultimate life is used the cat's teeth vanish and it is very nearly impossible for them to gum a hummingbird back into it's gullet when this happens. (When cats lose all nine of their lives they come back to haunt us.)
Generators
A cat can, undoubtedly, be hooked up to a generator whilst purring to collect the full capacity of it's awesomeness. Direct use of these pussitively charged ions is prohibited in many areas as it (rarely) may cause the receiver's head to asplode unexpectedly. It is recommended a modified standard battery, or special use cattery, be used to store this energy. These devices allow a proper meowing of the line voltage to be safely obtained. This stored cat energy gives the user a comforting pleasure nine times that of kitten huffing if used in controlled doses. Some side effects of Purre-Energy include ultimate sleeping power or an insatiable craving for catnip.
Scientific achievements
Teleportation
Cats played an integral (and hitherto unmentioned) part in the development of teleportation systems on spaceships. By observing how cats often appear directly under people's feet seemingly out of nowhere Isaac Newton worked out the biological aspects of teleportation. (Using a resonating frequency that vibrated postulated matter, Newton was often discovered by chaperons in girl's locker rooms.) It has been scientifically proven that cats "teleport" quieter on soft surfaces such as carpet, peat moss, or corpses; however testing was inconclusive for other surfaces such as tile, water or airplane wings. With a rumored ability to make inter-dimensional time jumps cats have been known to pop out of the air and leave rats heads on your bed. Nice.
Cats in time
Back in the 1950s, a cat fraternity at the infamous Feline University decided to invent a time machine, and they did; in a few hours too. After a quick discussion, the group decided to go back to the beginning of the universe to see what really happened; and who or what created them (although it is obvious it was His Noodlyness). Wackily enough, instead of the beginning of the universe they were detoured by a space-time monkey wearing an orange reflective vest and wound up at the Ruler of Time's apartment block. She demanded they tell her what a holla back girl was or she'd call the vet and get them all fixed. Deafened by the Ruler of Time's booming voice and girlish figure, the fraternity cats lost their janglies to a scalpel.
Sexually confused, they each embarked on their own journey through time screwing up prominent figures of history, such as Charlie Chaplin, moose, Napoleon, and Jane Fonda (Oscar Wilde was already quite crackers). Luckily, they were unable to cause many mancat babies to be made and ultimately avoid the new race which may have sparked a global conflict. Other stuff also happened that ended with the creation of cellphones and the first record of "Bad Motherfucker" written on a wallet.
Importance in other topics
Physics in relation to cats
It has been universally proven that cats always land on their feet when pushed from a 10th story balcony, and it is a widely known fact that a cat reaches its terminal velocity (the fastest speed it can reach before it stops accelerating and moves at a constant speed) after falling a mere seven stories. A cat might sustain minor bruises and such from a fall from this height. It actually has a reduced risk of injury if falling from a height greater than seven stories, because it has time to orient itself feet-first and stretch out like a flying squirrel to absorb the impact better.
To test this scientific discovery, a cat was lobbed off the roof of a 100-story building, plummeting to the ground, where it hissed up at the scientists and scurried into an alley after a mouse.
Final conclusion based on result of experiment: cat + 100 stories=angry cat. This result can also be expressed using the equation <math>c+100s=ac</math>.
It is also widely known that buttered toast tends to land butter side down when dropped. Deranged lunatics once had a theory that if they buttered the back of a cat with I can't believe it's not butter, and threw the cat off a ledge, the laws of physics would battle it out, while one law is trying to land butter side down, the other law is trying to land on its paws, which would result in anti-gravity struggle in mid-air to fulfill the proper law(s). Although this theory was widely believed for a few years, it was later proven wrong when the experiment was carried out with real butter, leaving two of our five scientists blind due to the feline clawing their eyes out. They concluded that cats don't always land butter side down, and to this day cats landing butter side down is not one of the laws of physics.
Alternate theories suggest that buttering the back of a cat would launch it into a perpetual horizontal spin every time it jumped. Some have even suggested that this could be the holy grail of a new energy source, the elusive perpetual motion machine. However, dissenters (from Saudi Arabia and OPEC) have argued that it would most likely result in more man made tornadoes, hurricanes and monsoons.
Cats always landing on their feet is also not one of the laws of physics. Sometimes, they fall so fast that they don't have enough time to swivel around and they land on their side like a pancake. Cats also must protect themselves, because in the wild they need to be agile, flexible, large in appearance to enemies and able to lick their anus, therefore toast lands different ways depending on how it fell, and cats landing on their feet is an instinct, so...um...what the hell am I trying to prove?
Various other hypotheses suggesting that the cat will still fall on its feet and then roll over exist. But no one has ever proven such ridiculous theories yet, and never plan to.
Another possibility is that if you let a cat fall with buttered toast strapped to its back over a highly expensive carpet, it will land on its feet, destroy the carpet in anger and then roll over in order to get rid of the toast, ruining the carpet beyond all reason.
NASA has also discovered that the catfall principle could be used as a potentially good source of anti gravity. If one's spaceship holds a sufficient catmass then there is no need for expensive rockets. Alien cultures have long known this and have been using catpower as their main means of atmospheric flight since 3 million B.C., although we humans are such idiots that we've never thought to use cats for this purpose until recently. Unbeknownst to many, the eerie hum of UFOs is actually the sound of hundreds of purring tabby cats. Cat Power wrote about the phenomenon, and the way it changed interstellar travel forever, in her album You Are Free.
This can be expressed using the formula <math>(m_c+m_t+m_b)/m_s=t_s</math> where <math>m_c</math> is the cat's mass, <math>m_t</math> is the toast's mass, <math>m_b</math> is the butter's mass, and <math>t_s</math> is the spaceship's thrust.
Cats and ceilings
"Ceiling cats" have been around for as long as man has had homes with white interior paint; spontaneously appearing in a square shaped hole between the stucco and the attic. (This is especially disturbing in a multi-story structures when one is on a lower floor.) For fear of a tear in the potential dimensional rift it is illegal to remove ceiling cats in most countries. Contrary to popular belief cats do not appear to watch or prevent masturbation, but to insure the sound structural integrity of housing units, the prevention of masturbation is simply a side effect of cat inspection.
Relationship with numbers
The relationship between cats and the number nine is well known from ancient times. A cat is said to have nine lives. 9:19 am is known as the cat moment. At that time cats grow whiskers and furs. At that very moment, the hands of the clock looks like a canon, I mean a Howitzer. The etymological meaning of the Hawaiian word Howitzer is something that has the ut(tail) in hawa(air), which, precisely, refers to a cat. The number nine depicts a cat with its tail between the legs. This conveys the meaning that they are peaceful animals and cherish world peace. The number nine also denotes negation and it is well known that cats were the Egyptian God of negation. This sense of negation has survived in various cultural aspects throughout the world. In German Nine means No. In Bangla, it is called Noy, which also means no. In India taxi drivers stop their cars if a cat crosses their road. This phenomenon is known as "billi ne cut diya" or "the cat has cut".
In subliminal messaging
Cats have also used subliminal messaging to influence people. This can be seen in newspaper articles, television programs and books. The prominent author Molly Katz is actually a cat hidden behind a clever pen-name. Her subliminal messages have destroyed many human relationships to further the aims of cat worship. The next time you find a cover of one of her books in the bargain books recycle bin take a look at how authentic her human exoskeleton looks on the book jacket. Cats often use subliminal messaging to change the topic during conversations and written works. Cats should ALWAYS be given lots of tuna. "Cat" in Latin does not mean "beats with huge face." You should always leave the dog outside at night. There are 47 subliminal cat messages in the preceding paragraph.
UltraCationalists
After the Second Crusade, the primitive (but really resourceful; like Boy George Scouts, except not gay) group KiTTeNS splintered into two factions, the Loyalist KiTTeNS and the brand-spanking new Catstabbers UltraCationalists. These UltraCationalists started out in China (Modern-day Cleveland) and eventually moved to the Middle East. They founded a really awesome citadel and a town provided daycare services. These UltraCationalists invented a new trickblade that came out of their paws, which was really useful for shaming their owners and telemarketers through phone lines. Although they had a tabby coat to be sure they looked awesome while running and climbing, they also wore a never-dirty white robe with red ribbons in around their tails, which caused them to look like bicycles to any passers-by. Occasionally, the highly experienced members would ring bells with their teeth, and click baseball cards to simulate the effect when around the city guards of Jerusakitten, Catre, and Dameow.
These highly trained UltraCationalists eventually got too far ahead of themselves, and wound up fighting the Templarps, a group of radical, done-so-many-times-it-isn't-groundbreaking-or-controversial-anymore Christian fanatics who have set up a conspiracy that goes all the way back to the invention of sliced bread (holy shit!!!!). The group lasted for another five hundred years until the Ubisoft Montreal systematically killed every non-due paying member one by one and destroyed all cellophane records of them.
Features
Cleanliness
Cats are the creatures of the intellectually superior in film and dance but are often the sad victim of social ostracism when covered in dipping sauce. (Cat's who live with unlonely old people fear being eaten at a pre-determined time when covered with savory's as well.) Cats figuring out that no one wants to be touched by their sticky little paws when damp, have developed an aversion to being covered by any type of liquid other than their own spittle. Traditionally this is due to the first seasoned cats licking themselves clean as a last resort when being chased be ravenous villagers. This cat's genetically shared memory of being doused in delicious sauce begat a coincidence of cleanliness, and provides the feline with a happy endorphin release.
Bottoms
It is a lesser-known fact that cats' backsides do, in fact, look like (*) towel holders. There has of course been hearty debate as to the reason for this, most notably by certain theologians who maintain that this is evidence of God existing. This is disputed by those who believe He specifically bought the towel holders from something not far off a cosmic Home Depot. Cats are actually larger on the inside than the outside, which explains why the litter box is overflowing. Biscuit Nipples.
Why cats are better than dogs
Cats have softer hair, don't bark all night, pay their taxes, never pant, and they don't pry into your personal business (unless its got to do with Template:USERNAME's dirty, dirty sex practices.) Cats clean themselves, and use litter boxes, while dogs shake water all over you after you have generously given them a bath, and dig in the sand (oblivious to its purpose as a litterbox). Cats (while being sometime hostile, evil little bastards) are actually thoroughly better than canines. They process thought to create solutions to cat problems. (Though evil thoughts about destruction, Twisted Sister, masturbation, and of course, NBC Dateline, sometimes creep in.) They have an extraordinary ability to brainwash humans into doing their evil humane deeds, like making the family dog stay outside, or watching the DaVinci Code. Dogs can do none of these things, and therefore are not as talented as cats. (Will they one day be shunned by mankind?) Cats often chase evil spirits from the room, whereas dogs are content to let them feed on your soul provided they receive attention from you at some (now or future) point. Some dogma focused scientists theorize this will result in the end of mankind as once the cats have control over robots created to open cans of food, cats will be out to kill us all.
Cats have amazingly creative ideas on how to please their humans. They know humans like to decorate things and, like cats, are fascinated by texture, so they add a creative touch to sofas and curtains by shredding them. They know humans like interesting smells, so they create interesting smells by pissing in their food, drink, wardrobes, shoes, etc. They know humans like movement, so they open and close doors continuously, occasionally with the humans' help since humans like interaction. They know humans like to play hide and seek, so they play hide and go seek by hiding in the linen closet on your best towels or clean sheets, or vomiting and leaving excrement in hard to find places or hiding dead animals in the hallway and in your bed. They know humans like porn and tend to be voyeurs, so they lick gross parts of their body.
Why cats are better than humans
Theoretical theorists postulate an alternate theory that nature created the cat as a gentle companion to humans, to keep them company and not judge them. Nature, however, likes to fuck with humans, and the soft nature of a cat is not the case. Because of this the theorists have claimed that a cat will sit on the top of the refrigerator for hours on end, watching for mice judging its owners' numerous deficiencies with a look of disdain that is genetically impossible to hide. They say this smug view from the refrigerator, inherently condescending, proves to the cat that people are idiots. Meanwhile they go on to say the average cat owner sits for hours on the couch staring at a talking box, ignoring the reeking litterbox, forgetting the empty food and water dishes, only to fall asleep on the couch before failing to contribute to cat society at large. The cat, incensed that the litter box has three piles of scat and multiple piss-pies, begins to simmer with rage. It feels that such a highly sophisticated creature should not have to endure standing in its own waste, (the equivalent of a human not flushing the toilet for a week). The cat becomes infuriated and resorts to using the couch as a scratching post and relieving itself in the distant corners of the back rooms for revenge: "Cats can be very catty when pissed off," claims one report. Theorists state that although a cat has no eyebrows, it can create a "pissed off" look on demand; and rightfully so! "How would you like it if you had to crap in a box of sand with your last three weeks of excrement?" a second report asks. "And then, after wading through this sewer-like environment, had to jump on the kitchen table to eat crumbs of delicious food, unlike your own food which is basically pigs feet, chicken guts, and whole wheat?" it further rambles on. Additional thoughts on the subject abound from the theorists... but we've covered all the main points here.
Kitten huffing
Cats and the huff economy
In Broketober of 2009, economists discovered that a special kind of non-huffable cat existed; and that this unique breed, known as the EconoCats, actually control all world economies. In their effort to "streamline world affairs," the EconoCats typical utilize dream meandering, thought transmutation, atmospheric transmutation, and monetary policy. Originally revealed by a drug-addled dream by Some Guy, moneysmiths recognized them immediately. Fortunately for the huff-addicted, these non-huffable cats remain a minority limited to less than two dozen in number.
